Lessons in What NOT to Say to a Pregnant Woman

I'm at least 14 months pregnant now. LOL...okay...just entering week 36, but I'm gaining water weight at an alarming rate and feel a bit icky with my legs and feet swollen and hurting alllll the time. So, perhaps I'm a little crabby. Perhaps. Anyway...here's a little reminder to those of you who MEAN well, but should think before you talk. :-)

Things NOT to Say to a Pregnant Woman

1. How are you feeling?

Unless you REALLY want to know or just want to hear me grit "FINE!" through my teeth, don't ask. I have a human tap dancing on my cervix, my feet look like an exploded can of biscuits my legs are red and swollen and I'm so tired I could sleep on the street. And these are the details that have NOTHING to do with my boobs, vaginal secretions or twice weekly marathon dr. appointments.

2. WOW! You're really getting big.

Uhm...what woman at ANY time in her life wants to hear this kind of crap? Seriously. I'd lost 150 pounds before getting pregnant and sometimes is a little difficult to see the scale leap up. Now, don't get me wrong it i s WELL worth the price to carry this little miracle inside me, but sometimes....well...I don't need to hear that crap.

3. Do you know if its a boy or a girl?

In this day and age, very few people DON'T know what they are going to have. True, mistakes can be made, but I've had an ultrasound every month since February. My little princess refuses to show us her face, but proudly displays her junk for us every single time we scan. LOL. So, of course we know what it is. If YOU want to know perhaps there's another way to ask? *rolling eyes*

And I've already heard the stories about the people who KNEW they were going to have a girl but came home with a boy and so on. At this point in my pregnancy the crib is set up, decor is pink and purple and I have a large collection of frilly, ruffley goodness waiting for my princess. I don't need your stories of pink exchanges for blue. Thank you.

4. Enjoy *whatever* now, because that will be gone once they baby is here.

Uh huh. Although this is my first pregnancy, this isn't my first child. I lost sleep, but my lifestyle was not compromised by adding a little blessing to it. I will still watch tv. I will still drink soda and tea. I will still have sex. I will still go to the mall, movie theater and anywhere else I want. The cool thing about babies is that they are portable. And me? I'm fearless.

5. Have you picked a name yet?

LOL! This may be my favorite, because it SOUNDS innocent enough but it never is. Whatever name you say they will know someone with that name or have had a pet with a STD with that name or just read an article about a crack whore with that name or something. The other reaction is a super fake eyebrow raise and big goofy smile accompanied by "That's lovely!" Uh huh. Maybe I should stop making up weird names to tell people and I may get different answers? LOL. Nah!

6. So, you took fertility drugs?

*snickering* No. We screwed like depraved little bunnies all the time and for once it seemed that my reproductive organs were working at the same time. SHAZAM!

Okay...I haven't said that yet, but I swear...if I hear that question one more time...